Where am I?

5PM. The sun is scorching on a Sunday afternoon. Back writing in English, and instead of writing a long essay, lets make it short and straight to the point.

1) Weather's hot. But I can live without air-condition. =)

2) Turning up the volume to my little speaker. BIGBANG is love. ;) Maximum volume on both speaker and player, not computer. =P

3) Doing Autocad work on my computer is so much faster then using my company's computer. Seriously. It's a fact. I wonder what is wrong with the hardware of my company's computer and whether can it be fix. =/

4) Slow as I might be, I still have to get my work done. Slightly stressed.

5) Have been emotional since Friday. Head's much clearer and better now. So much better then I was two days ago.

6) Because of you, those memories comes back. And because of you, I miss him. Why must you do this to me? I made my choice. I made a decision. I tried to show you that I care. Yet I guess it's not enough for you to even care about me. Not even the slightest care.

7) Memories of him, it's filling my head day-by-day. And day-by-day, I try to push it all away. Kick it all out. I need to do so. Too much, it's overwhelming at times. Why, I keep asking myself. No more, I tell myself.

8) I need to get my wild and free side back. I need my open-minded side back. I just need myself back. This, the state I am in right now, is not the side of me I want. Unhappy, is not who I am.

9) It's Mid-Autumn festival today! ^^ I just want to go for a walk in the park, watch people carrying lanterns and playing with candles. ;)

10) Had a good Friday night with peeps from college. Tried Shisha for the first time, not bad. =) Then headed to Scott garden and hopped from one bar to another. Ended up at Beer Factory with a pint of Kilkenny and playing some game to finish up the beer. Then a short spontaneous trip up Genting! Awesome! ^^

11) My Saturday was lovely too with lunch with a good friend and chit chatting 'til 5PM in the evening. Went back home to rest and shower and out for dinner with high school peeps which I haven't seen in a long time. Second round ended up at a place close to home which I never knew existed! Awesome day! ^^

12) My head is not in the game for working life. I've lost my passion. Not kidding. Freaking serious. It's a really big problem, a serious problem, a huge obstacle in my life right now. Trying to find a solution for it. Trying to get my head back in the game.

13) I still haven't have the time to fix my portfolios. Or maybe I just don't want to do it.

So far that's all for now? Currently am still enjoying BIGBANG's songs. Love them.  

[28 days!]

Am I the bride in your dreams?

Upset, we are silent.

Memories of you smiling at me once more.

气到～！

有时候，真的会很气。

有时候，却不会。

这个时候，是我很气的时候了。

废话。

几个小时前已经把气的感受都放在网上了，而且什么都不管，直接躺在床上，开了一本书来读。读着读着，打算睡觉。哪知道，连睡都睡不好，现在的我更加的烦恼，心情更加的不好，小事情的都拿来计较～一点点的小事都会惹到我。妈的～我都在骂粗口了。

1） 已经是周末了，但我尽然把握自己的原则给弄翻，把公司的任务带回家做。做了一整天，只可以怪自己慢。公司任务千万是不要带回家做的！可我已经把它带回家了。：（

2）我被提醒我为何那么不喜欢回家。我被昨晚发生的事提醒了，我为何当初那么不喜欢在家，不喜欢回到我叫家的地方 。都没家的感觉了，回什么家啦！回家只不过看到脸色，回家对我来说只是我做女儿的一个责任。能有个理由不回家那不是有多好？能有个理由给我消失不是更好？！！

3）第一个工作后的周末，我尽然没有任何的计划。有的计划，都是没钱所以不能实行。只好乖乖的在原地跑，只有去GYM的计划，都不懂我能实行吗。心情那么的不好，哪怕连陌生人我都拿来骂！第一个工作后的周末，我尽然心情不好，没有好好计划，拿来浪费了。

4）我能找的人 尽然不是你。气到～！你曾说过会一直会在我身旁，要人关心，但找的人却不是你。难道你那么的不关心我？难道你就是那么的喜欢给我一个人自有，连一句问候都没有？！难道你就是那么的不体贴，都是要我那么的主动去关心你先吗？？气到很气了，想了想，我不要为了一个都不care我的人付出，曾经验过，现在不会那么傻了。单身生活跟不单身的生活没有差别，不如单身更好？什么都不用烦。简单的几句话，简简单单的关心，我感受不到。要关心一个人那么难吗？我去关心值得关心的人更好。

5）头痛。是早上的事。现在临晨五点半，头还是有点痛。不知道会生病吗，因为弟弟病了，我刚才也淋雨淋得60-70%湿了。心情不是很好，有些事情，其实都不用等到我气的时候拿来讲，有些事情，越讲就越气。心里开始挣扎了，好多的问题开始浮起来，为何这，为何那，怎么办。头痛，我不想去面对，但只可以拖时间，到最后还是要回答。

 一个人的生活，就是那么的自在。烦恼时，都是自己一个人去解决。有时，连谁都不去找，不去讲，不去诉苦，就是自己一个人来承担。我，习惯了。而现在的我，只能对自己好点，不可以每天这样。气都气一天而已，气也气在自己身上。要依靠人，不如依靠自己好点，到最后还是自己才信得过。你，是谁？你，只不过是偷了我心的人。你，只不过是在我生命中的路人。你，只不过是我现在最想关心的人。

我，只不过是想爱你的人。

责怪自己，难道我真的那么需要你的关心吗？

责怪自己，难道我真的那么不能承受到远距离的关系吗？

责怪自己，难道我是那么的需要一个人吗？

责怪自己，难道我就是喜欢把别人推开？

责怪自己，还是选择责怪自己。

（有人曾跟我说过，我就是虚要人关心，需要人陪，

我就是不能承受远距离，我就是需要一个人，所以不要把他推走，让他来照顾与爱我。

但我已决定，和证明了我是一个不需要别人来照顾的。）

推开，只是要看谁够勇敢的再来踏入。

人是不完美的。

我的不完美，有谁能接受？

Love. Hope. Faith.

 

This. 

Shall be my blog title. :)

A friend of mine had this 3 words as his status a few days ago. And I found this on tumblr. At his tumblr to be precise, and that's where he got this 3 words. :) Oh and dear friend, I hope you know that I have not forgotten you. Time flies, we all have our own life's challenges to keep us entertain. I hope you do not take that as I have forgotten you. Like SERIOUSLY. :( I'll be very sad, and I think I am sad to think that you think that I have forgotten about you. :(

Love. Hope. Faith.

What do we do with these 3 things?

To me right now, love, hope and faith is what I should be needing, for such a pessimist. Yes, I consider myself that. Or to be exact, I am in the middle. Neither both a pessimist or an optimist. ;) Lucky? There's pros and cons though.

Love, comes in all kind of forms. And I am really glad and thankful for it has opened my eyes to so much more that life can offer. Love indeed, is magic. Love indeed, is mystical, a mystery and a wonderful thing. To feel loved, one must learn to love others and love oneself. Thank you to all that love me. I am really blessed to know that there are friends out there that are worth cherishing. ;) People step into our lives for a reason, and I give them a reason to be there. I love each and everyone of my friends in my own kind of way. ;)

You know who you are! ;)

Hope. Having hope is like having expectation. When you don't expect what you want, that is when you start to crash. Having hope that tomorrow will be a better day makes you a better person. Heh~ Having hope that everything will be alright, and some things are not worth worrying over. Hope, is caring for someone, hoping that the same amount of care will be return. Having hope that one day, I will find the person that will deserve me as much as I deserve him. Hoping that there will be someone out there for me, to love me and care for me as much as I love and care for him. And hoping that one day, I find a love that is worth it all. ^^ There is always a little hope in us all, it might not be much, but it is sufficient to keep us living day after day.

Expecting the worst, hoping for the best.

Faith is trusting in ourselves. Faith is like trust that can't be broken. Or can it? Have faith, everyone always say. Have faith that you can do it, that things will be better. Faith, is what I put in you, for not disappointing me. Faith is what I place on you, to not make me sad. Faith, is believing that you are worth more than money can buy and that you deserve so much better than people who treat you like dirt. Faith is believing in oneself that everything is possible. 

Faith, is like trust. ;)

I got a feeling that my heart no longer belongs to me. How can it be? I have guarded my heart so well that I am unable to feel love by another being. I got a feeling that one day I will come crashing down harder than I expected, with a picture of seeing my heart in a billion pieces on the ground in my head, that pain, unable to love no more. My heart, oh thou at? I am living on every single word that is being said, holding on to every word like a fool. I want to retract, withdraw, but can I let fear do this to me? 

Remember then, Love. Hope. Faith.

Never give up. 

Never give up on love.

Is it possible?

I doubt myself.

Like wine, it just gets better.

Is this true?

Will it be true?

I want you to tell me.

Give me your word.

Better yet, give me your heart.

And I will give you mine.

(Just please do not steal it from me.>.<)

Let me be the one to make it right. ;)

Blah. Ness.

Feeling bored already by just editing the amount of photos I have. I have yet to touch my Cambodia trip photos that were dated back in July. Too many. Just too many and with the lack of creativity, the photos turn out like shit. 

I still have yet to dig out my past semester's design brief in order for me to re-do my portfolio. And I am starting work in a few hours time! Working life. I wonder will I ever get used to it? Judging by my hyper character and childish nature, I got a feeling I will be working my ass off for this 3 months. Oh wells. Who ask me to be in debt. Plus, who ask me to have such lousy results? (Sadness washing over me.)


Have to sleep early today. Have to wake up super early later. Working life. Only the weekends are available for rest and play. Who wants to play when you can rest? 

Continue editing photos and uploading first.
1. Cambodia trip photos unfiltered, unedited.

2. Sepang Gold Coast photos from phone unfiltered, unedited.

3. Photos from phone unedited.

Geez.

A part of you has grown in me.

Random me.

I'm supposed to be doing my report right now. Counting down the hours before submission. Although I have unofficially graduated, there's still report and presentation to be doing and one last class to attend this weekend. Go figure.

Despite being busy, I am still enjoying life like I always wanted. :) To be traveling to all kind of places. I super enjoy traveling, be it locally or overseas. :) At the moment I am really craving to travel. Was supposed to be traveling overseas for 3 months but end up I need to start work due to the lack of money. Oh wells. I believe in the future I will get the chance to travel.

At this very moment I am actually blogging and watching/listening to the Angkor Wat documentary that I need to do my report. The majestic kingdom of Angkor Wat. Really majestic and still leaves me speechless as to how the whole Angkor Wat temple is being constructed. After this report, every single one of us in class definitely is a master on Angkor Wat. Even though all our topics are different, our topics still revolves around Angkor Wat. Geez, I have to prepare my presentation slides for this Friday as well. I am desperate to finish it, but not simply just finish it.

Being so random, I am still missing someone but it's not that bad anymore when I force myself not to think about it. Although I very much want to talk or even just chat, I hold back. I can't do anything, can I? If that someone wants to talk to me, they would do so, regardless of whether busy or not. I believe busy is not a reason. It's not an excuse. Even when busy, if you truly care, you would take time out to care. 

Alright. I better stop blogging and start working. Need to hit the gym soon. Went to gym last week, this week I have yet to do so. Fats are being accumulated around my waist and sooner or later I am going to lose my body shape. (LOL. I hope not. HAHAHHAHA~)

Missing someone yet unable to do anything.

All because you are not mine to begin with.

All because I know where I stand.

And I sometimes wonder where I stand.

Putting Angkor Wat in mind.

Dejavu.

It was fake to real. Harmless flirting. then came those little pecks on the cheeks and kisses on the forehead. Those sweet gestures suggest otherwise. He held her hands for the first time as her head rested on his shoulders. In the bus, she didn't know how to respond. It has been a really long time that she had forgotten how it felt like. To be holding someone else's hand. It was out of fear that she refuse to feel anything for him.

Is this how it felt to be in love? Or is it really love? She kept thinking on why or how can she fall for someone like him. What is the reason? Where is the excuse? Later, she just quit thinking and went with her heart. No doubts, just taking risks like she always does. Investing her heart where she thinks it belongs. All she wants is to know whether can she love again, and to be loved like she used to be. Choosing him, it'll be worth it, he says.

Yet she ignored the little nagging feeling. Those doubts. Those paranoia thoughts. Why did she ever ignore those kind of little things when they meant the most? History, repeating itself once more. Her heart can take no more. September arrives once more, and this time she fell in far too deep. It was nothing like she ever experienced, or did she just forgot about how it felt? Taking precaution, taking it slow, it was tough but it will be worth it, that's what she kept repeating inside her head.

Preparing that little gift, she realizes that she really did ignore all those little signs. Those signs that tells her everything is falling apart once more, just like it used to last year. Bit and pieces are starting appear, as the image slowly shatters. Hairline cracks turned into structural cracks, one shot straight through her heart. Tears roll down her cheek, "No more. Please." But her broken heart doesn't know what else to do anymore. Her heart, was beyond repair, still surprises her that she can still love. 

Caring - her strength and her weakness. She can really care, and it's also what causes her downfall. Caring too much causes too much pain that she withdraws from everyone and everything. She limited herself to care for him, although too many times, she wanted so badly to show how much she really care, but she knows, too much caring will end up with nothing. It's always that way, it always has been, for her. Already letting go of fear, she slowly falls. She had forgotten how to feel. How to be the girl she used to be. How to be someone's other half. And he came along to remind her.

"Thank you", she whispers into the air. Looking down at that gift, if he can't afford to care, it's alright. If he is not ready, it's alright. She understands. She always does. Too many times, she has been taken advantage of, yet she bears it all. What's the point when being single and being in a relationship makes no difference in her life? What's the point of being worthy, when the other person does not realize her value? 

Hoping for a happy story, but gotten another history lesson. Placed the gift down on the pavement, she looks up to the night sky, that eerie sight of the moon disappearing, she smiles. To her heart she whispers, "No more."

He is a lucky guy to have her.

But is she lucky to have him?

****************************

Might not be the best story I ever written, but another short one from me. The story might be edited in the future, so if you're interested, do come back and re-read it. :) A little inspiration from this music video below. A very nice song.

It’s been so long since I’ve met someone
That makes me feel this way
Makes me smile, and that’s hard to do
I don’t think it’s something you realize you do

Just know that there’s someone
Thinking of you

You are a lucky guy, but you were never mine to begin with.

九月的歌曲。

A Chinese post below that I've typed but yet to finish typing. Can't really remember what this is all about though.

*********************************

“我能找到一个比我跟主动的人吗？”

我算是一个主动的女生了。我会把握机会，因为生活很短暂。我会珍惜，因为生活很短暂。可是，有人会珍惜我吗？有人会把握我自造的机会吗？难道，是要等到失去之后才发现它的完美吗? 难道要等到失去后才发觉到它的重要吗？

看看我的心，的确是很不完美，但它很漂亮。

看看我的心，的确是有好多裂痕，但它很漂亮。

看看我的心， 的确是已经碎了好多次，但它还有本事去爱。

我的心碎的很，谁还要呢？

生命短暂，做什么事都要用心去做。

********************************

Sometimes all you need right now is for someone to give a shit about you. And when nobody does, you move on with life. No point sitting down, waiting for that care to come. No point caring why or what when a person can't afford to care. Care doesn't give a shit, and I shouldn't too. It's always September! Everything seems to go wrong during this time of the month! And just why does the heart feel the hurt?

It's happening, all over again. History, it's repeating itself, right in front of my eyes. Taken my own precaution. Taken care of myself. Yet everything always falls apart in September. What can I do to stop it from repeating? How can I not let history take it's place once more? Will I ever learn? Dejavu. I always never learn.

The heart yells out in pain. Stupid tears blurred the eyes. So hard to fight back those tears, letting it wet the cheek. Stained right cheek, oh how I feel bad. Need to get out, need to be listening to some stupid songs. Need to be around people. No point putting myself through this kind of misery once more. No point putting myself through this kind of torture. I love myself too much to know what I deserve, and this is not what I deserve. 

Doubts fills my heart. Paranoia fills my head. My soul is too broken to care anymore. You give up, you're not worth it. I walk away, I don't deserve to be treated like that. Not searching for an answer, just searching for comfort. All I question is why. And I guess it's too late.

" I chose you, you tell me my choice will be worth it. Don't make me regret it. Please."

It's been so long time since I've met someone who makes me feel this way.

Be mine?

I just read one of my friend's blog post (Click HERE) and it reminded me of how I used to have criteria when it comes to boys. Like what kind of criteria you are looking for in a boyfriend. I have got no idea whether have a even posted about it here in my blog, but I know I seldom talk about what kind of guys I like. Hahahaha~ Criteria to me is just something we all limit ourselves to. Everyone is different in their own way, and when you really found that someone, does your criteria even match? Some yes, some no. 

Curious to know about my criteria? (Still having doubts whether to share it) Come to think of it, my criteria has changed along the way as I mature, and very much like myself, it gets simpler. :)

In no particular order, 

1. Love me for who I am and not who he wants me to be.
2. Respects me in every single way.
3. Tall, dark and handsome? =P
4. Doesn't take me for granted
5. Someone who cares and pay attention to me when I need it.
6. I love surprises. (Who doesn't?) So I need someone who can surprise me when I least expect it because it's kinda hard to catch me off-guard.
7. Fun and loving.
8. Romantic, sweet and creative.
9. Honest and trustworthy.
10. Actions speak louder than words, so I need someone who can show me that he cares instead of just using words.

Basically those are very general. In details, there are more than meets the eye. Things will get simpler if you truly know me. ;) Every girl has their own criteria, but when you really meet that person, some criteria you will just close an eye to it. Love works very mysteriously, that's why it's so beautiful.

Sometimes I think certain people take me for granted. Just because I'm there for you to hug and kiss, for you to take advantage of. Yet I am no fool to be play. Countless times, painful memories of how I play around, just to get my heart broken, to feel like I have lost my dignity. Too many people will try to take advantage, only you yourself have the power to put a stop to that, and that is what I am doing right now. To make sure that I deserve what I deserve. Because I am worth more than money can buy. ;)

Sometimes we get pissed at little things, angry at little actions of yours, not because we can't do it ourselves or not because we are sensitive. It's because you are in our hearts. It's because we care too much to actually tell you. Sometimes little tantrums we throw not because we are pissed at the things you say or do, but because we NEED you to pay attention to us. We get jealous, we keep questioning, we keep bugging, we are always around you, we want to know your whereabouts, what are you doing, all these little things is because we care. And caring is the one that kills us in the end. Too much caring and nothing in return can hurt so much that it kills the soul. (Real life experience - me)

Love, is such a beautiful drug.

The jury's out, my choice is you.