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| The Curve, 2012. |
******
To be honest, this year isn't much a year I like to reflect upon. For everything I had, spiralled out of control. Although it was out of my control, I am still alive. And because of the downward spiral that I knew who my true friends were.
I remember farm jobs were extremely tiring. Strawberry, raspberry picking. Wanted to go for Cherry picking but didn't make it. But I remember Summer beginning of this year was pleasant. I got to return home for the Chinese New Year.
What I didn't like was I got very depressed over my hospitalization before I actually headed back home. What happened was I had an Ovarian Cyst that was causing torsion to my left pelvic and I was in pain for hours. I was admitted into the hospital and for the first time in my life I felt so helpless and restless. I wanted to do so many things that I am used to do on my own but I can't. A few days before heading back home I sank into depression once again because I needed to do things but I couldn't, and could only rely on people, which is what I am not used to.
What matters is I got better, though the scars were still visible, but I am all well again now.
I remember I still wasn't over my ex, and for 3 months I was wallowing in depression as well. For finding out things that I shouldn't have, and for doing things that reflected on what kind of person I am. I have sinned, and I forgot that I have friends that I can count on. But the worst part was for me to sink deeper into depression than I ever did. I didn't know how I overcame that, but I guess it's also thanks to my ex for fixing that part of me, that part where I thought I couldn't let go of.
I stop doing what I did, and eventually, I moved on. I grew stronger. And I begin to love myself once more. It was tough at first, but I persevered. And I guess that's what matters.
Felicity: "You don't need me, you'll be fine."
Felicity: "But there's no fixing this. We have to let each other go."
Oliver: "I don't wanna let you go."
Felicity: "I don't wanna let you go, but I am already gone."
I remember I started to feel better. And of course my studies were the top of my list. My priority. I focused, and for the first time throughout my years of studying, I actually managed to complete my assignments before the due date! Winter came, and the best part was my mum came! Because I had my family coming that I had something to look forward to, hence the motivation to complete my assignments before hand.
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| Freezing our asses off at the summit of Mt Wellington. |
I remember the start of semester 2 was tough, especially it's the final semester, and I will be graduating at the end of the year. Despite the late nights stressing out about my final year project, trying to work out the design and the ideas that came at odd times, I managed to graduate too! I just kept doubting my ideas and ability until the last minute after my presentation that my tutor had to assure me everything will be fine.
I remember those final few months was depressing because I kept doubting myself, I kept wondering what is it installed here for me. What else do I have going on here after I am done. The only thing that kept me sane was the thought of me heading home. Because home is where the heart is and always will be. Another thing was my part time job at a local chinese restaurant, because of the people I got to know there that made working much more fun!
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| Farewell Gathering, Oct '16. |
I remember how shy I used to be when I first stepped into this place, what I never thought was to meet fun people like them, that made working in this chinese restaurant all the more fun. It's true that they say it's the people who make the place, and it's the people at work that makes work much more interesting to deal with.
I remember that I learnt to move on, be strong on my own after half the year. So the next half of the year I focused on myself. I had a falling out with old friends, yet at the same time I made new friends. Friends that even though we have just known each other for a month or so, but it felt like we have known each other for ages. Some things are just unexplainable, and best left unexplained.
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| Tasmanian Craft Fair, Nov '16 |
I remember there were still ups and downs, consequences of what I have done in the beginning of the year as well as the start of the second half of the year, but I have friends that still stuck with me despite all the negativity I was getting. Despite not knowing me for long, the injection of positivity from them gave me hope. And to the ones I am close with, I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I also remember friends from afar. Despite being here in Kangaroo Land, the friends back in Malaysia are the friends that I know I can never find another one like them. They are the ones who knows me better than I know myself. They are the ones I look forward to going home at that time. During my darkest hours, they were there, and they are also the reason why I always find it hard to leave my home country.
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| Rekindle, Nov '16 |
I remember that despite everything that has happened, we still have to look at the bright side of things. Look for the good amongst the bad, and cherish every living moment we have. I have learnt to not think so much, and that the bad things won't last. They are only temporary, we have to just keep having faith and hope, that one day it'll all be alright. What is broken can still be fix, even if it requires time.
I remember about the choices I have to make. The easy road or the hard one. I thought going back home was just what I needed, but amongst the happiness I felt, I had to leave with a heavy heart as well. Life may not reveal where I need to go, or where I need to be yet, but I believe that in due time I will find my way.
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| Graduation, Dec '16. |
And most importantly, I remember, that I have failed. I have cried. I have laughed. I have been lost. I was in depression. I have been alone. I have felt lonely. I have been frustrated. I have lost hope. But I still persevere. I have grown.
Better, I hope.
So in short, here's what 2016 is like.
2016 was the year I fell terribly, into pit black darkness, doing things I never knew I would do.
2016 was the year Pokemon GO was launched and the hype died down after just a few weeks.
2016 was the year of the USA elections where everyone from every corner of the world will turn their eyes to.
2016 was the year of lots of downs, not only in friendship and relationships, but also within my family.
2016 was the year I officially finished my studies!
2016 was the year that taught me to that sometimes you cannot let what others say ruin your day, or ruin how you are actually as a person.
2016 was the year I start to rediscover myself.
2016 was the year I started to love myself again.
And as the end of 2016 is nearing, it might be too early to say but I think that something good might happen, and that I just got to keep having faith and hope that it will grow into something beautiful.
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| Dec '12. |
2016 may not be the best year for me, but it might be the best for you. But at the end of everything, there's always something good. I am afraid to admit it but I hope, that 2017 will be better, with you.
Once again.
Please assure me that it will be the last.
Because I really cannot take anymore hearaches.
Really.
Seriously.
No more.
Seriously.
No more.
