Doubt.

I wonder how many of us hesitate to do things we always set our hearts on and actually carry it through? I am no exception. What got me thinking was on my way towards Port Dickson, I realized that I have many doubts, none of which I can come to a conclusion with.

Yes, I am currently in Port Dickson, typing away, for I realized that as I mature, as I grow older, not only I don't get wiser, but I get more doubtful. Of everything and anything at all. Tomorrow is Malaysia Day, so which is a holiday for all of us, these working humans, so what made me make this trip down south? Honestly? I do not know. All I know is that it has seriously been a very long time that I have made such impromptu trips to anywhere at all.

As I was driving along the road, I kept thinking: "Should I just make a u-turn?" or "Should I even be making this trip?" I know it's a public holiday tomorrow and I should be just slacking at home, or rather should I just stay at home? All I did was just kept my brain busy by thinking whether or not should I even be going outstation just for this one day holiday. "What the hell am I doing?" is all I could think of.

Then it made me realized that I used to have no doubts at all, none at all when it comes to decision making like these. I can just say: "Lets go!" and never have to look back. I an say: "Go only lah!" And never without a doubt on whether should I go or not. Yet right now I am facing the problem of doubtfulness and it's killing me. 

And so begins my mindless routine of endless questioning for the night.

"Where has my old self went to?"

"How come I cannot seem to do what I used to do last time?"

"How is it possible that I can't seem to break away from being doubtful?"

"Just where have my impromptu self went to?"

Just making decision and not wondering what will the cost be, just going with the flow. Just stop being doubtful about everything, just stop questioning everything. Just, maybe just stop being sad. When will this stop?

I can't help it.