Love Many // Live Boldly

“我始終相信

所有的相遇都有意義”

Dragon I, Nov 2008.

Years ago, I was someone who needed love. Those were the years of every teenager's dream - to have someone to love and be loved in return. I was one of them, always surrounded by admirers, someone who always had a guy by her side, always the one that wasn't available. 17-23 was the years of love, the years where we always think that we have found the love of our life. Those were the years that we cherish the most.

Ever since I knew what love was, I was loyal to the one who had my heart. I had many pursuers, some of which I turned away. I was known as a heart breaker. Ever since I knew what love was, I was never single. And even if I was, I was not single for long. Over the course of 10 years, and it took 10 years, for me to be finally free from being in love. Within this 10 years I learned to love and be loved, got hurt and cried my eyes out, heartaches after one another I picked myself up again. Wasn't easy, and I wished I knew that earlier when I went through my first heartbreak.

Sri Lanka, June 2012.

Within this 10 years, just like many of you out there, I have loved many. A total of 5 relationships, that I have written it down here within this blog, of each's ending. I have always wondered, and pondered upon those who have loved me, did they really loved me? And why? Sounds silly but that is the questions I always ask - W H Y. I don't find myself as attractive as most girls out there, not girl enough, not pretty enough, not lady enough, not this not that.

Back then, I just couldn't stop asking that question, and I just needed to know why and find assurance. Now, it was because I wasn't confident and secure about myself. Some things we wished we knew it earlier when we were younger, so that we can avoid being silly and stupid. But some things are just the way it is, so that we can grow up and be better. At times now I would still wished that I have never met him or him, but if it wasn't for him, or him, I wouldn't be who I am today.

Graduation, March 2013.

The year I was in love, again. I was foolishly in love, with a guy that I should not fall for. And out of all the relationships I have had, I would brand this one as the most stupid and foolish relationship I have ever had. But who would we listen to when we were stupidly in love?

We all have that one relationship we love so much, that we would give anything to see or be with that person one more time, make all the amends that we can, just to have them back. And we all have that one relationship that we despised, the one that we wish we never knew, the one that took our youth away, the one we don't want to have any contact with, the one that broke our heart so bad we thought we would never love again.

But we did love again, didn't we?

But it will never be the same, not ever. What do we do about it? We move on. No matter how hard it is to let go, we did it. We don't realized that every time we emerge from a heartbreak, we grow stronger and better than we were before.

Lang Tengah, June 2014.

Ever since high school, I've always had a guy beside me. I was happy because I had love. Whether or not I am single or attached, I would always have someone. And for the first time in 10 years, I am actually happy without a guy beside me.

Ironically, I always felt better when I had someone to love. To provide for, to care and love, and to just keep doing things for that person. I would give my everything for that person, because I am always happier by giving. I find the constant need to do something for others, regardless of what I am getting in return. And as long as they are happy, I am happy. I guess that is how I love.

Bay of Fires, June 2015.

I wasn't always the happiest kid. I would fret and get upset over trivial matters, I would sulk because I didn't get what I wanted, or I would just be down for a few days not knowing why. Don't deny it, we all have our ups and downs, and that is just how life is. A roller-coaster - but without the ups and downs, it isn't life. What happens to us after our downfall is up to us, but it does not define how we should be, or who or what we should be.

"Death is so terribly final, while life is full of possibilities."- Tyrion Lannister.

Within these 10 years I saw myself grow, I watch myself change. Through ugly days, the bad and good times, I am still standing. I grew from someone who needed love, to someone who does not rely on it. To say that I don't need it is utter nonsense, I still want to find that someone to spent the rest of my life with. Friends always tell me to not give up, have faith, have hope, but I chose to believe that my time is up. Come what may, I do not look forward to love, but to what life can offer, and to what I can bring into my life.

RMIT, Feb 2016.

I did things I wanted to do. I crawled out of my comfort zone once more. I became active again. I begin to live again. I hadn't had short hair for years and I went for a very edgy cut, and I loved it! I colored my hair even when I know my hair is far from healthy. I wore dresses out when I never did. (Well actually this is because of surgery but... not complaining!)

In a blink of an eye, it has been 10 years since high school.

In a blink of an eye, it has been 8 years since college days.

In a blink of an eye, it has been 3 years since I graduated from Uni.

In a blink of an eye, it has been 1 year since I started my Masters.

And it has been 9 months since I am single.

But those are just numbers. Numbers that we look back and count them, and count the years that has past to see how far we have come, to see how much we have grown. but are we a little lesser than we were before? Or are we more than who we were before?

I have done things I wasn't proud of, I have regretted some relationships, learnt to be convivial and not discriminate. I controlled what I can, and let it be, of what I cannot control. I stop thinking of what people think about me, and stop trying to be someone I am not. I sometimes am amazed by what I can do, and continue to still be amazed at things I did. And when I started to accept things for what they are, everything was better. When I stop thinking of the what ifs, everything felt better. I have come to terms of what I cannot change and what I can, and started believing in myself.

"It's dangerous being free, but most come to like the taste o' it." - Ygritte.

We sometimes think that we haven't change at all, that there isn't much changes within ourselves or our lives. But as the years come to past, we look back and realized that we have grown and change in many ways we thought we couldn't, or wouldn't. Change is a constant thing in our daily lives, whether we like it or not. We have changed for the better, or for the worst, and grown to be someone we are as of today.

As stressed out as I can be, or as crazy as I can get, there are far more better things in life to be thankful for, and to be grateful for. Life is just not about love, nor is it about money. Enjoy every moment, and everything you set your eyes upon, for you only get one life.

Me Time, June 2016.

Tea Time at Blue, June 2016.

Life on the GO, June 2016.

Let the light in, June 2016.

Lunching with the boys, July 2016.

Sweet sins, July 2016.

And because I have everything to be thankful for. For the people around me, be it bad or good, and for myself. "Live boldly, push yourself, don't settle." 

“無論是後來故事怎麼了
也要讓後來人生值得”

What inspired this post, is MayDay 五月天 latest song, Here, After, Us.《後来的我們》.

They have done it once again, provoking memories and hidden feelings.