I have failed.

I used to think back of all those times we spent together as little kids, just trying to have fun. I used to think about all those play times we had together, toys we played, laughter we had, the fun we enjoyed. Showering with soap all smeared over the floor, making it seem like a skating ring. Then getting scolded for taking so long to shower. That's the one I remember clearly. So well that it just seem like yesterday we were doing so, that we were friends.

I remember times that we played together, and me always being mean to you. But that's how kids play and how I acted because I was still a kid. I remember how you used to run into my room during thunder storms and asked whether you can stay with me until it's over. Then I will whip out my Harry Potter board game for us to play, even if it's just the two of us. I always win though, because you didn't really know the tricks back then. But of course, you did win some too. (:

Back then, I didn't know what was going to happen to the family. Back then I didn't know I was required to take care of you. Back then, we were just kids, although 5 years apart, I thought we went along quite well. I used to try to find out whether you liked any girls, or just play silly games in the hallway. We used to jump up and down on the king size bed back then. Being the kids we were, we just want to have fun, with a little mischief added.


But somehow everything changed. I can't even remember when everything began to change. The drastic change in the household. I can't even remember when you just did not talk to me. I don't even remember why you are doing so. Everything just changed. You never came running into my room, asking to stay with me until the thunder storm is over. You never played silly games with me anymore. We just never had a funny conversation, since the day you grew up. Being who I am, I can't believe you just do not accept me for who I am. But instead you criticised, cursed and loathed me. Somehow you just turned into your father. But you just don't realised.

I don't know whether you still remember all those times we had when we were little. Even if you don't, I do. I still do. You'd lie your way through to get me into trouble, and no matter how many times I tried to redeem myself, and insisted that I didn't do it, nobody would believe. I hated you for that. But in my heart, I still care.

As we grow up, I guess we got more distant.

Suddenly, you are just turning into your father. Arrogant and obnoxious, bullheaded, stubborn, and so much more. That attitude you adapted, I don't know where you got it, but I don't like it. Talking with such arrogant tone. Using vulgarity to express your anger and frustration. Refusing to even speak a word to me unless necessary. touching your stuff means getting cursed at, spat at, just because I'm not allowed to touch any of your things. All these, just like what your father is, and have done. Don't you realised? You always complained why you don't get what you want but I do. You always wonder why I get what I asked for but you don't. I learned to ask properly. I wish for things. I observe and learn, then apply. But you still don't get it.

I thought things were beginning to get better, when you started talking to me in a more proper tone. I thought things were going to be fine between us. But I was wrong. You still have that look in your eyes. I can see it. That arrogant look. Things have to go your way, and your way means your father's way. It's all because of your father. As long as don't get him mad, everything will be alright. That is what you think. Do what he says, and your father won't be angry at you.

I never hated you. If you wanted to know. But because you care about your father makes me the bad person in the household. You hated my 'don't care' attitude. You hated because I am who I am. You hated that I never do anything around the house. You hated that you have to do everything. But what is everything? What is your everything? You are merely doing just half of everything that you talked about. Who does the other half?

You think I do nothing but sleep and play whole day. You think I do nothing but just eat and wash up, then laze again. Well you are wrong. I do things that people just don't seem to know. I do things that might seem little but no one takes notice of it. You might be right at times, and my mother told me to listen to you at times. But have you ever come to me and talked to me like how we were last time? I would take your advices, but they are only meant for my mother. Because you were talking to her and I happened to be around.

I feel so disappointed with myself. For failing you. I tried. I guess I tried, to not let you down. I tried to do those little things, that you always failed to do. But little things goes unnoticed under this roof. I try to be a sister to you. But you were not a brother to me, since that day you stopped talking to me. Since that day the drastic change takes place. Since.. who knows when.


I know I can count on you to back me up at times, so do you. But you think all this comes without a price? I try to be good, and helped out around the house. But maybe I have not done enough. It just all boils back down to me, and of course, I would gladly take the blame. I thought we were okay, but you still have a slight arrogant tone in your voice when you talk to me. Remember that you once asked me to leave this house we lived in? Leave this house and never come back? I wish to do so. But when I thought of it, maybe you should be the one leaving. Remember when you ask me to do to hell? Or when you wish I just die? But what hurts the most is actually you spitting out vulgar words at me.

I don't know what you are thinking, I don't know how your thinking is, but I just want to tell you I am who I am. I won't be tied down by my father. I care very much but because by caring, I get hurt easily, that's why I chose not to care at times but let my actions speak. I will be who I want to be. I care not because you are my only brother, but because I was supposed to be taking care of you when disaster strikes.

Sometimes, I want to be mean to you. Be cruel, like how you treated me. Have I ever succeed? No. But with a price to pay, when I don't succeed. I can be cold, cruel and mean. Yes I have treated you that way before. But can I do that for days? No. My anger never last. Yet sometimes I want to be like you, because you and I are different and I want to learn from you.

We just don't understand each other anymore. I just couldn't take the way you talk to at times. Without any considerations, you just speak your mind with anger, arrogance and rage to me.

This is not about my father or my mother. This is about us. I know you care. You should know that I care too. But you were never the one who will speak out your emotions. You are never the one who will show that you care through words or action. Sometimes I think that I understand what made you like that, but again, I maybe wrong.


All I want to say is that I am sorry. But sorry means nothing to you when what have been said and done is done. I don't deserve to be your sister and neither do you deserve to be my brother. We just don't understand each other anymore. Remember what you used to call me back then when you were not talking to me? Bitch.

Words can be more poisonous than anything else in the world. But I still do little things for you, which I doubt you know. All I can say is I wish to disappear from your life too, but not now.






Remember the time when there's a thunder storm and you would come into my room afraid, asking to stay until the storm is over? And we will play Harry Potter board game together?
Or when we were kids, and we use to smear the shower room floor with soap to skate on it?
Or remember when we like to slide down the stairs with just our butts?

I still remember.
Those were the best memories I had with you.