It has been awhile since my father last scolded me. I knew I will be in deep shit everytime I got out of bed late during Sundays. Yet this time, I think I have gone too far. I am lazy, this I admit, and I took my laziness to a whole new level. This time, my father was really mad. He shouted and scolded, banging things as he throw those words of anger towards me. Nobody dared to make a noise.
All I did was just to keep quiet. Don't want to add oil to make things worst, right. I quietly turned the newspaper as my father scolded, reading in headlines but not the content of it. Tears started to blur my vision, making me bow my head lower so that none could see that I was going to cry. Father banged his cup on the table after drinking and went out the kitchen. I slowly turned the remaining pages of the newspaper as my brother, cursed softly, at the back of the kitchen. I closed the newspaper and left it where it was supposed to be and silently went back to my room.
Father was in the toilet, I presumed. I closed my room door the minute I stepped in and sat on my bed, picked up my lovely teddy and hugged him as tight as I could. Tears just came streaming down my cheeks, and all I did was just keep wiping them away. I was trying hard not to cry, only to have tears streaming down my cheeks for awhile. I stood up, grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil, went back to my bed and started writing in which turns out to be this piece that I am typing right now. This moment.
Reminiscing past events that has happened occasionally in this household, I knew, I was the one to blame. I was a girl who didn't care. I was a Princess, getting what I want but not wanting to do any work and yet I complained so much. All I did was just rot right in front of my computer. I am a lazy, hopeless, selfish, arrogant and demanding
I always dread coming back to this place I call home every single time my classes ends, or when I'm out with friends. The thought of getting out of this place seems really tempting at times. There's always this gloominess hanging around the house that I can't seem to shake it off.
My world of a happy family came crashing down when my parents divorced. We both suffered, my brother and I, from that day on. I adopted this "I don't care" attitude and yet when this happens, I broke down. I thought I couldn't care less about it but I was wrong. I always did care for my parents, my family. Until one day, I just stop. From the outside, it may seem that I do not care, I do not bother about what is going on, but deep down inside of me, I care. I still care, until today. But I just could not voice it out because I felt it was not important.
Sometimes people think they know who am I deep down inside, including my family members. But I like to prove them wrong, because it is only me, myself, that knows myself the best. I adopted this "I don't care" attitude because if I care too much, I end up getting hurt. I care too much that people take advantage of me. I care because I want the teasing to stop, I want the scolding to stop. I care because I am voicing out my concerns, my opinions regarding the issue. But does anyone listens?
I stop caring what people think or say about me, because I am who I am. I stop caring about the teasing, because they will stop when I ignore them. I stop voicing out my concerns or opnions, because people shuts me up at times. I stop asking questions, because people refuses to tell me anything.
My ignorance, changes everything.
Friends and family alike, I rather keep quiet on my behalf. I also chose not to reveal anything now for I see no point in talk it out. Everyone sees me as a jolly, happy-go-lucky girl, but instead, what they did not know was that I am, in actual fact, a spoilt brat.
Silence is golden. It's best to know when to keep silent, because when I start to speak, he shuts me up. When I do something, he comes and ask me to fuck off. It's not that I did not try. I have tried, I have done it, but I don't want to heat things up therefore I just quietly slip away. I always ruin things up, don't I? He, is my brother, which has turned into another version of my father.
Sometimes, I think people's life would be better without me in the picture.
u feeling better now darling?
ReplyDeleteHey gal, thanks alot. :) This was a very old post d. But thanks for your concern. :) *hugs*
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