"Who would have thought that I'd be in such a mess
But I walk that line
I try to keep my senses
Make it to the other side"
I'm short of 2 years to become 30. Age is just a number to me, right now, right this moment. Maybe it would mean something when I approach the big 3-0. People around me has been constantly telling me that I should act my age, that at this age I should be having a stable income, and steady life and good living.
Yet I faced a crossroad once again.
Ever since I have gotten the opportunity to be here, overseas. As much as I can cry everyday feeling homesick, I still have to get up the next day and do what I came here to do. Wandering aimlessly ever since I finished my studies in late October last year, went back to this place I call home for a short period of time, and came back to Aussie for graduation. And after graduation I have been drifting aimlessly once again, with no intention of doing anything with my life. The struggles I faced, trying to make a decision was tough, knowing that I am really done with my studies for good.
Everyone has their struggles, be it with life, relationships, family or work. And here I am, at 28, facing yet another quarter life crisis. Though while typing this, I am still a few days short of 28, and with all that have been going through that little brain of mine for the past few months, everyday I'm glad that I am still alive, and that I am still amazed that I have managed to come this far, to where I am right now in life.
To be sitting here typing this.
Recently my mind slipped into a state of mess again, with my thoughts all messed up, emotions haywired, and drifting through the day in a blur. I knew what I had to do, to keep myself occupied with something that would take my mind off all thoughts silly thoughts, random images and emotions just flooded through me, that nothing I did could aid me. Yet everything was under control, and I am adamant that I will not let myself crumble.
I still need to open up, and I cannot shut myself up. We all have flaws, and we are always learning everyday. I am too, and with the determination that I would be better. Sometimes, we all just need that little push, that extra push from someone who still has faith in us, for us to feel alright again.
I'm turning 28 in a few days time, and the more I grow up the more I don't see the need to celebrate my birthday. Though I do always say that birthdays are a special thing, a once in a year thing, that only applies to other people. That's why I go the extra length for those people I care about, to make their birthdays extra special.
Yet I am not particularly excited about my upcoming birthday this year. I guess to me, it's a once a year thing, it doesn't matter much whether I celebrate it or not, or who I celebrate it with. I no longer feel special or excited like I used to for the past years. But one thing that's different this year is that I have my mum here with me for my birthday, and of course, a birthday dinner on the night itself has been planned.
What are birthdays when your heart is somewhere else?
I decided to take this opportunity here, in conjunction with my birthday to be thankful for a few things in my life. Being away from home has taught me a few things, things like:
1) You should have recognised trouble the moment it comes knocking on your door. Never let trouble break your heart over and over again, until you have decided that it is enough. It will never be enough, and it will make you value yourself lesser.
2) There are still good people out there, the ones that you don't have to know a very long time to know that they will be less judgemental towards you, and that when you find them it will make you feel a little less sad and a little more happier.
3) Spending a year alone has done much, yet it wasn't enough. Yes, I have grown to be a sad person, sad and cold, yet I have learned to enjoy my own company and doing everything on my own. I have grown to be a little more independent, at the same time be more confident on my own.
4) There will always be struggles, obstacles that you will have to face everyday, every week, every year. You might not have to figure it out right now, but you will eventually. Just listen to your heart, it already holds the answer you need.
5) For people who still believes in me. For those people who are still with me up until today. For those people I now know that I can turn to. We all screw up once a while, but that does not define who we are as a human being. Everyone needs someone that always believes in them, have faith and hope that you will be better, even through those darkest times.
6) And that what I have right now is enough. I have more than enough, because I am still surviving, and that is enough. I want nothing more, nothing less, for I have what I need, and people who love me for me, and that to me is already enough.
Stepping out from our comfort zone isn't the best feeling ever. It's a very scary thing to do, you will step into the unknown, eager and anxious at the same time to face what awaits you beyond the boundary. But it is necessary.
Do you wait until you are ready to make a move, or you don't?
There will always be a risk in everything, every decision you make. I have made mine, despite being aimless and drifting around wasting most of my 3/4 months of 2017. The decision has been made despite the endless brainstorming for solutions, and that door held open for me, I made a decision that only I know why.
I want to be happy, I meant, we all just want to be happy with where we are at in our lives, and is that so hard? It doesn't matter what others may say, what matters is that are you really happy where you at? In the end, as long as I am truly happy, is all that matters.
"But we both know how we're gonna make it work when it hurts
When you pick yourself up you get kicked to the dirt
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine"
A Happy Birthday to myself. 💕
For growing, changing
and seeing the world in a different light.
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