Even a cold shower is unable to cool me down.
Broken piano.
No song in my life for now.
Two words to describe today - Fuck. Shit.
Yes. Even one word "Fuck" ain't enough. Actually, no word is enough to describe my today. Or rather, my life recently. (Sorry for my language, but it is necessary.) No words is able to describe how I am feeling right this moment. No words is big enough, or deep enough to express the shit I am feeling. My life, is in turmoil.
Work.
Ever since I've started working, I felt like life has it's limit. My passion, my drive, interest, all gone. I know I have to get it back, but have anyone tried telling me how? Or what can I do? Because I've tried ways to rekindle that passion, and sometimes I think I've got a grab at it, it flickers and dies again. That flame, I can see it in a distance, but it seems so far when I tried to reach out to it.
Sometimes I work like I love my job, and some days, it just ain't the same. A crossroad, as I have told many, but what can I do other than Architecture? What other shit that I have that can help me through this rough world? Just to earn or to learn? Giving up ain't an option for me. A thousand thoughts runs through my mind. What would my father say if he knew? What would other people think and say if they knew? But then again, who really, actually knows the real me deep down?
Life.
It's related to working life. I socialize after working hours, and on the weekends. But then, socializing, you need money. When you need money, you work. But what if your work performance is not up to par? Sometimes, people say it's simply to just step it up, work your ass off. But the question again is, are you working to learn or working to earn? It started of with working to learn, but as the realization that my passion died, I work to earn. It's all about the money now, isn't it?!
Pissed with myself, I am not eating well as well. Not that I do not know how to take care, but with my current life in turmoil, my appetite goes down the drain as well. Somebody have to literally force me to eat. That's how pitiful I am right now. (I don't expect you people to pity me. And I dislike nagging about stuff I already know.) Well, that proves how stubborn I am as well.
Trapped in between two worlds right now. I'm a middle person between my boss and the client. Such an uncomfortable position to be at, which I have been in it once, or twice. To the point I was pissed that people can just take sides without seeing the entire picture. To the point that people can be so paranoid that stuff they assumed!
Study.
University life. Surprisingly I don't miss it. I think it's the way my last semester has been, as well as the people around. A little part of me inside says yes, I miss uni life. How design studio were run, how we are always designing, yet chatting away with each other, and how much we have grown and learn and improve year by year. At the same time, we see people we were once close with change into a complete stranger. It was nice knowing you, friend.
I lost that fire, that burned so brightly. By year 3, I was nothing but someone who do for the sake of doing. Will I be able to forgive myself for not working hard? No. Will I be able to forget what horrible work I have done during my 3 years course? No. But will I forget what those 3 years have taught me? No. But people change, and we have to deal with it. It's the people, not the school. I just want to go back studying in hope to rekindle that passion with Architecture that I once had.
But how do I do so? Without inspiration or aspiration, without creativity, I am nothing. I am still nothing, up to today. Without passion or interest for art, I can never take that step forward. Gone like the wind, is my love for art.
It's so easy to get lost in work, in life itself, and forget who you once were. Hungry for new challenges, lust after stuff that you don't need. But you are still that young, adventurous, independent person you'll ever know.
(I just got to remind myself that)
Love.
The only thing keeping me sane. The only feeling that is holding me together. All I need is love. Always my blog title, always my tag line, always will be what drives me and keep me sane. I always give love to people around me, without expecting anything in return. But the love given ain't equal to the love returned, and it will never be the same.
I feel like I'm being loved and not loved both at the same time. Is that even possible? I guess it is. Or maybe it's just me, thinking too much again.
Hot and cold, is that what I am getting from you? Please don't do this to me. You don't know the way I look at you. You make me smile, you make me laugh, just thinking about you puts a smile on my heart. :)
Yet, sometimes I wish you paid more attention to me, instead of being so into photography, or friends and all, really. 逼近我是你女人嘛～。 No? We girls are always craving for attention, but the only attention we want is from the person we love. ;) Even without you here right now, thinking about you makes me smile and that is sufficient, for now. ♥
Some people don't know how fragile I am behind that mask I am wearing. Things are getting blurrier as the day passes. Situation are getting harder to deal with each day. And sometimes all a person needs is just a hug, comfort, and security to know that they are not alone.
And with my life spirally out of control,
the only thing that made me alright,
is him.
"A good listener is always the one that needs listening the most."
I am loving my skin colour right now.
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