Life isn't hard. Is it?

Have you ever got something to say but you never voice it out just because nobody would listen? Well I do. Even when I speak the truth, nobody will listen, nobody understands and nobody can help.

It's not that I want to make things hard for myself. It's the way how some things turn out to be where avoiding it is the only thing I can do rather than going straight towards it. Although I know running away is not the solution, yet if I face it, I cannot take it.

It isn't so hard to understand me. Yet just because I am the eldest I have to give in. I always dread coming back home. Always. Not because I have chores to do. Because there's always gloominess hanging around the house. There's always this sense of emptiness lingering around the house. Yet I dreamt of having a family where I can turn to for support.

I have been very patient. I always have been. When he curses, although I know at one point I might succumb to it, I still maintain a calm look, ignoring all those foul words he throw at me. You think it does not hurt to hear your own sibling throwing those words at you? And to think that people always ask me to give in to him, to just let him have his way. At times I just felt like screaming at those people that I have been letting him have his own way, I have been very patient with him.

My brother has his own kind of attitude. Bossy look I may call it. And what I can say is he's exactly like my father. He refuses to touch anything that has got to do with me, never answers me when I ask him a questions, throw foul words at me whenever he got the chance, without anybody hearing it but me. When I don't have a thing that he wants to borrow, he'll throw fits at me, again throwing all those foul words everywhere. I know him. Of course I do. We had fun when we were little. Those crazy moments. Of course I know how he's like. So that's why I chose to keep my mouth shut, let him vent all his displeasure against me.

No point arguing with him, because I am not his match. And why want to work myself angry over things like that? When I get angry, like real angry, I can get physical. Though most of the time I am in control. I don't want to argue. I don't want to say anything. Thus, people mistaken me for being the one that does not give in to him, that always does things to make him upset. Sigh.

And now, just because I did not help him wash a small bowl and spoon, he complains and I get lecturing from my father? What about when he does not even help me washes anything? I never complain. All those things he did to me, like accidentally hitting me in the shoulder when he walks past, like purposely leaving the gate open when he can lock it, like leaving his THINGS all over the house and expect me to clear it. Did I even complain? DID I? No. Just because he can cook means the rest of the things, even he can do it, I have to do it. Just because he can cook and I can't.

I did not want to touch his things for fear he'll be shouting, throwing fits saying he can't find his things and then blaming me which in turn will result in me getting a lecture from my father. Washing up is alright. I do that every night after dinner. Yet sometimes all I ask for is just some cooperation. Just be more responsible and wash up after you are done eating or drinking instead of just leaving the cups and plates in the sink and going upstairs to your laptop. It's a basic thing.

I don't know. Maybe I should just give in more. Maybe until the day where I decided not to come home. I can cook, a little, but does anybody bothers to teach me more? I can clean, I can do anything, as long as you be cooperative. For now, I'll just bottle everything up and put it aside. Crying does no good. Venting out my anger does no good either.

And to think that my mother keeps asking me to make it up to my brother

when he is the one that does not want to give in to me.

And to think that my mother sent that article,

just to change our hearts about each other.

When you think life is so hard to live, think again.

It's you making your life hard for yourself.